Praying

Things have really been deteriorating lately...
Things are not O.K..!
I can't even be optimistic and say it will be O.K..!
I'm just scared..
I'm just hiding in my cocoon waiting..
I don't know even what to expect..
I hate going home thinking bad news are awaiting..
I hate calling at home chicking how things are going..
I hate the beebing part when I call and nobody answers and my own hallucinations start thinking of what kind of crisis is happening at home..
I'm scared.. No one understands that..
I'm scattered in my own world and no one even could tell because I am damn good in smiling.

My niece has been bedridden for 6 days, just got discharged yesterday and she is sick again..!
I'm terrified and you can't imagine how much I'm..
I am scared I'd lose her like I lost her bother, my dad, my 2 uncles, my 2 grandparents, and my grandmother..!
I'm sick of death stealing every dear one away with no permission at all.!
I'm mad at death for being so cruel..!
I'm pissed at death for choosing good people to departure..!
I'm angry at death for leaving the bad people behind wandering and doing whatever evil thing they might think of!!

I'm just sad...