My mind is lost...

I can't say I am sorry again for not updating my blog because you got bored with the sam excuse I know! I am not here to be called a "grouch" as a friend called me once when I was trying to vent!

No one seems to understand or believe because they haven't been through it before! They haven't lived the pain I lived!!

I can never forget the day when I came back from college and saw hundreds of women going inside our house in the early afternoon! It never came to my mind that I lost my nephew! I was devastated! My sister, the closest to my heart was going mad!! "You haven't seen him" she said while crying loudly!! I swear I can still see her in her prayer mat weeping! I don't want that to happen ever again!

He died over physical disability and the reason was that his mom is married to my cousin. Marrying relatives in our family causes physical disabilities to their babies. It was something no one paid attention to 12 years ago. It wasn't only my nephew, we lost many children in the family.

Ramadan came and finished and so did Eid, and we haven't felt either! Memories of dad and my uncle overwhelmed. What made it worse is my 4 months old Joory. She is the prettiest girl ever. She is my deceased nephew's sister and now symptoms of the same disease have been shown on her. Everything in her reminds us of him. She is too tiny, she hasn't grown much since she was born and she is a bit late in movement for kids at her age!

I donno what to say! I just wish that it's just hallucinations! Her mom crying and weeping is just because she is worried nothing more! I am really praying to God to stengthen her and keep her safe us!!

Please God, I can't bear any more death in the family! Please!

It's the Fourth year daddy

Dear Dad,

Four years have passed since they day you said goodbye dad. No, you didn't say goodbye, you just left without saying a word! And I can never forget that!

I have been trying hard to go on with my life. I thought I did but I guess I was just lying on myself!

Your room is still closed! No one dares to open it because we all know, sorrow and tears will be back again!

Maybe I didn't tell you this before but the day you had your heart attack and was rushed to the E.R, your room was locked and we couldn't find the keys! My brother borke the door down when the hospital asked for your ID card. We all thought that it's just for admitting you in the hospital but none of us suspected it being taken to complete the death procedure! It has been locked ever since!

So many things have changed in our family and we are still missing you big time. I am no longer the spoiled girl you used to pamper for there would never be anyone to replace you. You were the only person I used to cry to and now I just can't do it! I am stronger and I am still the good girl you have always known!

It's Ramadan daddy. I miss preparing your tray of food, none fried of course because of your diabetese. I miss you breaking your fasting on the voice of Quraan in the living room and I miss your comments of the food or juice I made. There was some criticism that made me upset a few days, I swear to God, I miss it so much! I wouldn't mind having sever criticism all the time if you were back for an hour!! I would pay dearly for it I swear!

Writing to you helped me a lot but there are two things I am really suffering from. Since the day you left, I haven't been able to sit on your favorite chair in the living room when you used to watch the telly. I have not been able to say your name or talk about your memories in front of any family member! Even when they mention you and ask God to have mercy on you, I can't say amen to that !! My tongue feels so heavy whenever I try to!

I would kill myself if I ever forgotten you!!

I love you

Yours,

S

Randoms

I am saying this again and again and again!


I am sorry my dear blog and I am sorry my dearest readers for being such a bad-ass-blogger lol !

I swear I can hardly find some me time!


Since we flew our dear maid that I hate so much away, I have been working my ass off doing chores at home! I am a princess! I am never used to wiping, cleaning, washing dishes and cooking!

It used to be 2 chores a day but now in Ramadan, it's all messed up! A big house with no maid is the biggest disaster ever!!


4 months ago, our maid got sick, really sick! Her face was so big and her body was yellow and pale. We thought it was just an alergy so, we let her rest and sleep all day long while my sisters and I serve her. We cooked food for her, cleaned the house instead of her as well. She got worse so we took her to the hospital. They suspected her disease so they decided to put her in an isolated room fearing the disease to be contagious.


I was really worried on her and accompanied her in the hospital and made sure she is O.K. Even during the visiting time, I used to visit her with my sisters and bring her food and new clothes. I asked every visitor to wear a mask and cover their faces with the shaila because I was worried on her being hurt.


2 days after, the result came. She was O.K, nothing serious but there she had an infected lungs. The Doctor said that she wouldn't be able to work, use cleaning stuff and she should rest!!


Since we respect maids privacy, we don't search their luggages and rooms except when they arrive and when they departure. I went to clean her room and change the bed sheets and I was shocked! REAAAALLY shcoked!


I saw wonders!! Her bed was satined with blood and urine! Their was two big pots inside each other with dirty water inside them. There were 2 cups on top of each other, one with a peeled orange and the other with a rotten orange! There were some pads, stained ofcoruse! My siserts brand new T-shirts were found there. My missing Chanel watch was under the bed! Not to forget the big amount of money and jewlery! Even my neices rubber bands and hair clips were there!


Many many missing stuff were there that almost belonged to every member of the family. We asked a shaikh about some of the stuff we found there and he asked us to either burn them or toss them away in the ocean saying that these are pre-magic things. Her said we should be thankful that she got hospitalized so that her ugly truth got revealed!!


My mom was in denial!! She was like any one of us! She used to have her share of lunch that I wasn't even counted for when I was at work! My mom buys her every single thing she asks for and never takes money from her salary like what some families do!


The moment her treatment was over after spending 10 days at the hospital, her flight was out waiting for her. I went to her and told her that the doctor said we should get rid of everything she has and we did! We bought her new clothes, new bags and even asked her if she wanted to buy anything because we were afraid that she might have the intention of doing something more. Before she left the hospital, I told her that the doctor said she got her disease because she was filthy and that if she doesn't take care of her hygiene, cockroaches will come out of her skin!


So, yes we have been maid-less for 5 months now with never ending home chores!


On another note, we discovered that our neighbors, those who just have a wall seperating them from us were down with swine flu!!! You know how Saudis were lately in the streets with their masks on. We saw them entering and leaving with masks on and we were like, oh like everybody!!


But when we heard the news, we were really shocked!! They were having their daughter's wedding when a relative of them came from another country with the disease! 2 of the bride's youngest brothers got sick, 2 elderly women as well! They were all healed like a month ago but why didn't they inform us so that we become more cautious!!


On a third note, I got many birthday gifts :) :)


A blackberry

A fancy bag

A sexy shoes

3 perfumes

A funky T-Shirt

A wonderful set of candles craved with my name

A sweet necklace

And I know that more are yet to come :P