Things have really been deteriorating lately... Things are not O.K..! I can't even be optimistic and say it will be O.K..! I'm just scared.. I'm just hiding in my cocoon waiting.. I don't know even what to expect.. I hate going home thinking bad news are awaiting.. I hate calling at home chicking how things are going.. I hate the beebing part when I call and nobody answers and my own hallucinations start thinking of what kind of crisis is happening at home.. I'm scared.. No one understands that.. I'm scattered in my own world and no one even could tell because I am damn good in smiling.
My niece has been bedridden for 6 days, just got discharged yesterday and she is sick again..! I'm terrified and you can't imagine how much I'm.. I am scared I'd lose her like I lost her bother, my dad, my 2 uncles, my 2 grandparents, and my grandmother..! I'm sick of death stealing every dear one away with no permission at all.! I'm mad at death for being so cruel..! I'm pissed at death for choosing good people to departure..! I'm angry at death for leaving the bad people behind wandering and doing whatever evil thing they might think of!!
Two days after Khalid met Hind at her house while waiting for Faisal her brother, he left to the UK with his father who was diagnosed with cancer. It was shocking how he was healthy and all of a sudden found out that he is dying in 2 months.
He was a lonely child as his mother had several miscarriages that ended up with pain to Khalid, his mother and dad. He resigned from his work making a stop to every single accomplishment he has done. He took his dad to the UK as he was told about one of the best hospitals to treat cancer in the whole world.
It was very hard on him to see his dad going through chemo therapy but he had to be tough, to endure the pain, to hold his dad's hand and tell him that it will be alright.
Faisal was there for him all the time though was still devastated with the sudden death of his beloved father. As Khalid was googling some information online, he landed on a blog as the title enchanted him. It was entitled "Death took you away?!, it never did daddy". His eyes went through it as he read it all.
He wondered who was that girl behind it. He was touched because of all the pain inside her. She was shaking yet very strong. He envied her and wondered if he would have the same strength if he lost his dad. He closed his eyes in agony and wished he would die before he loses his dear father.
Four days after, he died. He left his loyal son struggling in a country he hasn't made a single friend in. He couldn't take the pain. He couldn't go back to Saudi Arabia and see all the places and faces his dad used to see. A very dark curtain covered his eyes. He sighed in despair and felt that life is useless after his dad..
P.S. Sorry for not posting this part last week. Sorry for not keeping it long enough to satisfy your hunger. I hardly wrote it. I'm waiting for an inspiration so that I continue in a high spirit :)
Ever since her father passed away, she lost her lively spirit. She lost her backbone, the love of her life, and her inspiration in life. Her mom has gone bonkers and everything else has just been different. Their house has been lifeless and empty. She couldn't bear the idea of seeing her uncles. Uncle Fahad looks exactly like her dad and that broken look in uncle Abdullah's eyes make her tear.
How could someone who represents everything in your life just disappear with no permission!? Why death is so cruel! "Why so sudden daddy"? was the question she has never found an answer for. She spent 3 years in ultimate denial. She couldn't even use the past tense when she thinks of him. She has never talked about him in front of anyone of her family members. He has never complained of any heart problems and all of a sudden he died of heart attack!!
A friend of hers advised her to start her own blog since she finds it her hard to talk about her deceased father. She did and the 1st post she wrote was about him. She had many condolences from strangers she has never met. It helped her a lot in taking out the loads of burden sitting on her chest.
She has made many online friends and got to befriend bloggers from different cultural backgrounds. She loved her blog, loved the attention she got, and loved the fans she never thought she would get. She has always wondered who are these "anonymous" people who leave comments under her blog! Why "anonymous"!? While checking her email one day, she received an email from a stranger entitled "why the Blackness"?! It was from one of those anonymous commenters. She quickly clicked on the email which said:
I had the pleasure to stumble upon your blog the other day, it was another uncontrolled Internet sailing of mine :) .... sailings that keep astonishing me by the findings. I only have one question to ask ..... why the blackness !! .... really .... I can just tell you that I've never ever seen a black blog in my whole Internet life (and that's long ...trust me:) ) ..... it's not like I have the right to dictate things here ...... but I think I can suggest ...... no matter how much you like black (I do sometimes :) ) .... please change it ..... and change it not only here .... in your whole life if you could .....
I didn't find a contact me form on your blog ...... so here I am .... sorry for the interruption :)
It was her 18th birthday as her parents and brothers were throwing her a surprise party. She was their only girl, among 3 brothers. Ibrahim was the eldest, 29 years old, a widower with two cute girls. He was married to Sara, the girl he fought the world for. Sara was his cousin. They have been in love since they were young. Everbody objected her when he announced that he wants to marry her due to the bad relationship between her dad and his. Luckily enough, she was the reason the two families got reunited again when Sara had her 1st baby, Lama.
It was one reason that made Ibrahim grew fonder of her. She was his queen and the only woman he could ever see. A year after, Sara got pregnant again. After long months of pregnancy, she started to feel labour pain. She called Ibrahim who rushed like crazy to take her to the hospital. 3 hours passed and she was still in the LAD room with Ibrahim, his sister, mother, and mother-in-law praying outside for her.
The doctor came out congratulating them on their new princess. "We tried our best" said the doctor but Sara had to go. Silence overwhelmed the place. Everybody was in disbelief but when Ibrahim's mother went to hug him, it snapped him out. He cried and weeped like a baby.He lost his soul mate, his love, his friend, his wife, and the mother of his two babies.
Joory, his little princess is now two years old, yet Ibrahim is still not himself.Their bedroom has been locked ever since. He has been sleeping in the guest room and he hasn't hugged nor kissed Joory at all, ever since her mom died. He would buy her clothes, milk and diapers but would never hold her.
Faisal came in the middle among her three brothers. He was the closest to her heart and the most understanding. He was 18 when he went on his own to UK to study his bachelor degree. He came back home with an honor degree which made her parents gay. A few weeks later, he had many offers in front of him, two of them were in UK. He was genuis and he deserved it. He didn't want to leave his house again though so, he accepted to work in Saudi Arabia. So many things have happened and Ibrahim needed a brother beside him.
Abdulaziz was the youngest, 10 years old and everybody's pet. He is the one when was asked what do you want to be when you grow up who answered saying " Train Driver".
Although Hind was only 18, a teenager as it should be, she was a mature woman. Seeing Ibrahim, her role model Romeo, shattering into pieces due to the loss of his wife, broke her heart. She wonderedif one day, she would find a guy who will be ready to kill for her. She has seen and heard of the million stories of girls' hearts being broken. However, deep inside, she had afeeling that her guy will be the one who compeletes her, the one who will never make her cry, the one who will never hurt her even if it was her mistake, the only one who if found out that she is in need, will run to give her a hug.
She loved him, loved everything about him. She celebrated her 19th birthday and then 2 days after, she got married to him. Everybody objected, the age issue was one reason. She was daddy's girl though. Her dad loved her so much that he couldn't say no. She was still young when her heart skipped a beat when he accidently saw her while she was going out.
Her soft brown hair locks were the 1st thing he noticed. She raised her head because she felt someone's presence around. Their eyes met. He gasped and she couldn't utter a word. Her mobile rang and that's what woke her up. He quickly opened the door and left. She rode her car and couldn't stop thinking about him. She didn't know who it was. She coudln't dare to ask too. All what she remembers is that he was a tall tanned guy with a yellow T-Shirt and blue jeans.
3 hours later, she got back home, tried to ask if any staranger came home for any of her brothers. No one came apparently as her mum said. What she didn't know is that he has been waiting outside for her. Stalking her wasn't his intention. He just wanted to make sure that she is not a visitor. He wanted her to be living in that house, why? He had no clue! He was in his car when her ride came back home. She was out forlunch with one of her friends he assumed. She kissed her friend goodbye and left. He could tell that her mobile was ringing as she was searching inside her LV. He could see her smile behind the veil she was wearing as she answered hello. She got in. He was surprised that it has been 10 minutes and he is still out waiting!!
She has wished to see him again but he never showed up. His name was Khalid, one of her brother's friends. She started checking every guy's face when out thinking it's him. She wondered if it's love but dismissed that idea so quickly. How could she love someone who she just saw for a minute!! Someone who doesn't even hold a name!!
So, I finally started my new job after a month of running around. Been a week now. I hated my 1st day, hated half of the 2nd day, liked the 3rd, loved the 4th and the 5th.
What-made-you-go-for-this-job is the cliche i've been hearing from EVERYBODY!! Even Jules my supervisor said that! I got tired from repeating the same answer over and over! I'm not materialistic at all! Working for me is something sacred, big comittment too! If I didn't like the place I am working at, didn't feel the sense of belonging that I'm looking for, why the heck would I spend my life at it?! It's draining you know what I'm talking about?!
It was my 1st day when the girl handling the job before me gave me her analysis of the staff. To be honest, I was REALLY shocked! She didn't even mention one positive aspect!! All the men and women working there are evils!! I mean ALL!! I went home and went on thinking all day long! What if I made the wrong choice?! What if what she is saying is true?! Would I go through the same agony AGAIN!!?
What I did is that I ignored everything she said! I even FORGOT, literally forgot what she said!! I don't like to analyse people from the 1st time actually. So far, they are nice, very cooperative and helpful indeed. Today, one of them opened her heart to me and told me about her future plans and that there is a guy that she likes hahaha! I just opened my mouth widely. It's a great feeling when it's your 1st week at the job and someone over there opens up her heart to you! That really meant a lot to me, being trustworthy I mean. I was all the way supportive if you're asking what was my opinion lol. Lizzy, is divorced, been a single mom for 10 years so, why not give it a try!!. She said he is 10 years younger, that's what is kind of hindering her. For me, age is never an issue, though I don't know if I will marry a guy who is younger than me, probably because I am still young myself lol.
Anyways, it has been a VERY busy week! I'm on vacation now for 5 days :D
P.S. Although, I hate Eid but I donno why I am liking it this year LOL! Happy Eid dear fellows :D
I can't recall all the names of those who emailed me checking on me to thank them enough! Just be sure that you are the best! You were able to draw a big smile on my face knowing that I matter for you :)
29th December was the last time I updated my dear blog! I mean it when I say it's "dear" and I totally mean when I say I miss it!!
Things have been extremely hard! Fortunately, they are getting better :)
Hmmm, donno what to start with because many things got changed since I last posted! Well, I quit work LOL! Not new to me I know. I got 3 tempting offers and I am studying them. Well, I've already made up my mind lol
My eldest brother got married last July. He is extremely happy with the girl I chose for him hehehe!
We had a new member added to my family, a nephew to be exact who will be 1 year old in a few days.
Been 4 days for me in bed! A very severe flu attacked me when I kissed my brother. So, no more kisses whatsoever! I have just left bed, got a shot on the butt which seems to be working well LOL
I am in a vacation now, and yes I do cook everyday lol! Not the chef but a senior assistant lol
P.S. Happy belated Ramdan, Christmas, New Year, birthday to everyone whom I missed.
I am sorry all, I have lost my writing appetite. My niece is sick... That has been confirmed by many doctors now. She is fragile and tiny. She is 8 months old yet unable to hold her neck still. She should have started crawling now but she is even unable to sit. Just the same sympotms her deceased brother suffered from..Heridatry issues. You can't imagine how much going back home after work scares me!! I can't stop the images of what if I came to the house and heard her death news?! What would happen to my poor loving sister whose wounds haven't recovered yet from the death of her own son who died 10 years ago!! Would she be insane again?! Would the black clouds visit our house again, after my brother my two grandparents, my grandmother, my nephew, my dad, and my two uncles loss?!! Is there more to come?!
I accepted low salary at a tiring and blood sucking job just because I want to escape the gloomy atmosphere at my house. Don't get me wrong, my family is really patient and they don't complain but what kills is that each one of us is quiet, just waiting, just thinking, and just dreaming and praying.
In my last post, I talked about "Sara and Summer", the two lovely girls who study in my Grade 1 class and how torn they are because of their ill-relationship between their mum and dad which ended up with nothing but divorce.
Sara hasn't spoken a word since she joined school. If I pushed her to talk, she would whisper in my ears. Even her friends keep on asking why doesn't she talk!!
Summer had been more active than Sara, at least her voice was heard. However, Summer has totally collapsed since last month. I would call her name 5 times but she wouldn't reply as if she had just blacked out. Her behaviour changed for she became so quiet, she shivers all the time, and she just draws on her desk.
Her case has been occupying my mind as well as the other teachers. The only thing I feared was she being sexually harrassed. I took her aside one day, gave her some candies and asked her if there is anybody who touches her in her special area. She said yes.. but then said no.. I didn't know what to believe for she is a kid and sometimes kids would misunderstand things or get perplexed.
I met her dad today, sorry for my language but her dad is such an ass!! I don't know how I managed and didn't hit him in the face today.!!
He hasn't found a job till now, he has moved to Saudi for 6 months now and is still unemployed!! His dad is retired and his mum calls her grandchildren "donkeys" since they are the result of their stupid dad's behaviour. His 2 girls come to the school, spend 7 hours every day with one sandwhich and one juice only!! My other students' mums called me saying that their daughters put extra food for Summer and Sara to eat because they are always hungry. Today I told him that even if you're poor, a bag of sandwhich which contains 8 sandwhiches costs only 1 Riyal!! So, putting 2 sandwhiches won't bother!! Imagine what he said " No, it's not poorness but 1 sandwhich is enough for a 30 minute break"!!I told him they are only 7, they run and play and need energy and they finish this sandwhich in the 1st 5 minutes!!
I informed him about Summer's behaviour and how I am really worried that the child might be sexully harrassed. Imagine what he said!!?! He said "Yes, they had been.."!! Not only Summer, Sara and David were molested too..
I swear my blood was boiling and I stood up planning to hit him or even spit on his face!! He hardly spoke after I pushed him to and told us their tragic story..
Their mum was an addict, alchoholic, and moreover a prostitute.. The social service in US has arrested the mum and started an investigation about the 2 girls and their brother David. He had a restrain order from the court he said that he shouldn't approach them!! I told him how come you're restrained when you're their own father!! Did you honestly molest them?! He said No, but you know how americans treat Saudis!! I was like, come on! I can't buy this crap! Even if you have been ill-treated by the US, didn't you go back to the Saudi Embassy and ask for help?! He said yes but they didn't do anything!!
They were sexually harrassed but they don't know by who...
To get myself out of the dull and gloomy environment I have been living in, I joined an international school. Since I love kids the most, I decided to teach grade 1-2 English. It has been 5 weeks for now. It's too much work, little payment comapred to my previous jobs but at least I am enjoying it. Those kids make my day with doses of hugs and kisses everyday.
I am being called "mama" sometimes which tingles me and sometimes makes me drop a tear or two.
And I am still jobs hunting too and hopefully I will get a great job soon.
I wanna talk about my grade 1 girls today. I love them so much! They are simply adorable. I can't ignore the fact that Abrar with her stubborness makes me crazy! Gosh I have never seen a 6 years old kid who has such a big head!! On the other hand, Malak's geniusness draws a smile on my face everyday when I see her. Rawan, the cutest girl ever never fails to make me laugh.
Today, I went to school with a yellow T-shirt with an illustration of a naughty girl who says "I don't want to be sweet" because I was teaching them how to confront bullies like the girl on my T-shirt. I had my hair dried and wore a yellow head band. Dana came to hug me in the middle of the class so I bent on my knees to hold her tight and that's when she smelled my hair. She said it smells very good. In less than a second, I had all my 12 girls jumping on me asking me to smell my hair hhhh. It was surprising but they made me laugh so hard! One of the girls asked for the name of my shampoo too lol.
Three weeks ago, Sara and Summer joined my 1st grade class. They used to live in US but since their parents got divorced, their father brought them to Saudi. They are halfies, american mom and a Saudi dad and the are the result of those stupid marriage that Saudis fall for when they fall in love with foriegners.
It has been 3 weeks now and Sara has hardly spoken a word and when she speaks she whispers in my ears only! Summer is another story, she just sings one of the songs she learnt in Day Care back in U.S. Both girls just came to Saudi 2 months ago and suffered a great deal from negligence, fightings, and divorce. They live with their grandfather and their grandmother who don't know a single English word whilst Sara and Summer know no Arabic at all!! I had to practice for a while not to mention the word "mama" in grade one because I don't want to hurt their feelings so I just stick to the word "dad" when it comes to homework or quizes.
Noor, is the girl with the most angelic face ever. I go hug and kiss her whenever she passes by. Today, I was told by the French teacher that Noor lost her dad 7 months ago due to a heart attack. One would never imagine what the loss of my dad has done to me when I am a 27 years old!! How would that be to a 7 years old girl!?
Today, she pointed at my sneakers and said "Ms, my dad has one that looks like your sneaker"! I was devastated! She still talks about him as if he is alive! She even talked about the choclate and chips he gives her for her lunch. It took me 4 years of my life to start using past tense when I talk about my dad! And still, I can't talk about him next to my family. It's just one close friend of mine whome I talk to about my dad!! I can never imagine the loss she feels nor the pain that visits her when she wakes up, nor when she sees fathers picking up their daughters from the school! It'a lot to be understood by a little brain like hers..
P.S. Thanks a lot to everybody who emailed me checking on me and asking me to be back to blogging again. I can't promise to be fully back but I promise I will try :)
P.P.S. That's me in the picture above as my girls see me lol
I can't say I am sorry again for not updating my blog because you got bored with the sam excuse I know! I am not here to be called a "grouch" as a friend called me once when I was trying to vent!
No one seems to understand or believe because they haven't been through it before! They haven't lived the pain I lived!!
I can never forget the day when I came back from college and saw hundreds of women going inside our house in the early afternoon! It never came to my mind that I lost my nephew! I was devastated! My sister, the closest to my heart was going mad!! "You haven't seen him" she said while crying loudly!! I swear I can still see her in her prayer mat weeping! I don't want that to happen ever again!
He died over physical disability and the reason was that his mom is married to my cousin. Marrying relatives in our family causes physical disabilities to their babies. It was something no one paid attention to 12 years ago. It wasn't only my nephew, we lost many children in the family.
Ramadan came and finished and so did Eid, and we haven't felt either! Memories of dad and my uncle overwhelmed. What made it worse is my 4 months old Joory. She is the prettiest girl ever. She is my deceased nephew's sister and now symptoms of the same disease have been shown on her. Everything in her reminds us of him. She is too tiny, she hasn't grown much since she was born and she is a bit late in movement for kids at her age!
I donno what to say! I just wish that it's just hallucinations! Her mom crying and weeping is just because she is worried nothing more! I am really praying to God to stengthen her and keep her safe us!!
Please God, I can't bear any more death in the family! Please!
Four years have passed since they day you said goodbye dad. No, you didn't say goodbye, you just left without saying a word! And I can never forget that!
I have been trying hard to go on with my life. I thought I did but I guess I was just lying on myself!
Your room is still closed! No one dares to open it because we all know, sorrow and tears will be back again!
Maybe I didn't tell you this before but the day you had your heart attack and was rushed to the E.R, your room was locked and we couldn't find the keys! My brother borke the door down when the hospital asked for your ID card. We all thought that it's just for admitting you in the hospital but none of us suspected it being taken to complete the death procedure! It has been locked ever since!
So many things have changed in our family and we are still missing you big time. I am no longer the spoiled girl you used to pamper for there would never be anyone to replace you. You were the only person I used to cry to and now I just can't do it! I am stronger and I am still the good girl you have always known!
It's Ramadan daddy. I miss preparing your tray of food, none fried of course because of your diabetese. I miss you breaking your fasting on the voice of Quraan in the living room and I miss your comments of the food or juice I made. There was some criticism that made me upset a few days, I swear to God, I miss it so much! I wouldn't mind having sever criticism all the time if you were back for an hour!! I would pay dearly for it I swear!
Writing to you helped me a lot but there are two things I am really suffering from. Since the day you left, I haven't been able to sit on your favorite chair in the living room when you used to watch the telly. I have not been able to say your name or talk about your memories in front of any family member! Even when they mention you and ask God to have mercy on you, I can't say amen to that !! My tongue feels so heavy whenever I try to!
I am sorry my dear blog and I am sorry my dearest readers for being such a bad-ass-blogger lol !
I swear I can hardly find some me time!
Since we flew our dear maid that I hate so much away, I have been working my ass off doing chores at home! I am a princess! I am never used to wiping, cleaning, washing dishes and cooking!
It used to be 2 chores a day but now in Ramadan, it's all messed up! A big house with no maid is the biggest disaster ever!!
4 months ago, our maid got sick, really sick! Her face was so big and her body was yellow and pale. We thought it was just an alergy so, we let her rest and sleep all day long while my sisters and I serve her. We cooked food for her, cleaned the house instead of her as well. She got worse so we took her to the hospital. They suspected her disease so they decided to put her in an isolated room fearing the disease to be contagious.
I was really worried on her and accompanied her in the hospital and made sure she is O.K. Even during the visiting time, I used to visit her with my sisters and bring her food and new clothes. I asked every visitor to wear a mask and cover their faces with the shaila because I was worried on her being hurt.
2 days after, the result came. She was O.K, nothing serious but there she had an infected lungs. The Doctor said that she wouldn't be able to work, use cleaning stuff and she should rest!!
Since we respect maids privacy, we don't search their luggages and rooms except when they arrive and when they departure. I went to clean her room and change the bed sheets and I was shocked! REAAAALLY shcoked!
I saw wonders!! Her bed was satined with blood and urine! Their was two big pots inside each other with dirty water inside them. There were 2 cups on top of each other, one with a peeled orange and the other with a rotten orange! There were some pads, stained ofcoruse! My siserts brand new T-shirts were found there. My missing Chanel watch was under the bed! Not to forget the big amount of money and jewlery! Even my neices rubber bands and hair clips were there!
Many many missing stuff were there that almost belonged to every member of the family. We asked a shaikh about some of the stuff we found there and he asked us to either burn them or toss them away in the ocean saying that these are pre-magic things. Her said we should be thankful that she got hospitalized so that her ugly truth got revealed!!
My mom was in denial!! She was like any one of us! She used to have her share of lunch that I wasn't even counted for when I was at work! My mom buys her every single thing she asks for and never takes money from her salary like what some families do!
The moment her treatment was over after spending 10 days at the hospital, her flight was out waiting for her. I went to her and told her that the doctor said we should get rid of everything she has and we did! We bought her new clothes, new bags and even asked her if she wanted to buy anything because we were afraid that she might have the intention of doing something more. Before she left the hospital, I told her that the doctor said she got her disease because she was filthy and that if she doesn't take care of her hygiene, cockroaches will come out of her skin!
So, yes we have been maid-less for 5 months now with never ending home chores!
On another note, we discovered that our neighbors, those who just have a wall seperating them from us were down with swine flu!!! You know how Saudis were lately in the streets with their masks on. We saw them entering and leaving with masks on and we were like, oh like everybody!!
But when we heard the news, we were really shocked!! They were having their daughter's wedding when a relative of them came from another country with the disease! 2 of the bride's youngest brothers got sick, 2 elderly women as well! They were all healed like a month ago but why didn't they inform us so that we become more cautious!!